Lamentation

Another day without relief,

A day just trying to survive.

Been working at a job where I don’t belong,

          Battered by a boss who thinks he’s right.

Couldn’t You do something about this?

          Clean up this messy life I have to live in?

Don’t You know how hard going to this job is for me?

          Daily facing a bully who beats me down?

Ever faithful Father,

          Extend mercy to my desperate pleas.

Free me from this never-ending frustration,

          Fully provide my needs.

Great is Your faithfulness!

          Give me courage to believe in my doubt.

How long must I wait on You Lord?

          Hear me and answer my cries!

I know…

          I know without a doubt: 

Jesus’ presence in my life,

          Joyfully providing every need in His timing.

Knowing this keeps me pleading with You,

          Keeps me wondering the plans You have for me.

Lend me your ear,

          Let me speak of my utter loneliness.

Make life work better for me!

          My heart longs for so much more.

Nobody understands my struggles,

          No one has my back but You.

Open the door to something better than this:

          Offer me a way out of this mess.

Place me in a job where I fit,

          Provide a place where I am treated fairly.

Quench my loneliness,

          Quickly stamp out my enemy.

Rescue me from my unfair oppressor,

Reveal to me the path out.

Stretch out Your hands to me,

          Save me from my own destruction.

Teach me Your ways,

Tender me some true relief!  

Unravel my heart with Your unfailing love

Until I bend my knees to You.

Vigilantly I seek some light to

          Vacate the darkness inside.

Wishing circumstances would change but

          Wanting to wait on You.

X-claiming Your goodness,

          X-alting Your name.

You are my God,

You know the plans you have for me.

Zealously and endlessly You pursue me

         Zestfully guarding my heart for a better day.

My attempt at a Lamentation. Lamentations 1 was written using the alphabet to start each section/line. I gave it a shot using our alphabet. Did okay with the exception of X.  

Happiness

Ultimate Gift Giver

The best way to thank a gift giver is to thoroughly enjoy the gift.
[Against An Infinite Horizon, Ronald Rolheiser]

There are many gift givers but God is ultimate gift giver. How does that change my attitude toward what has been given to me?

The Beauty of Truth

I deeply believe that the truth is what sets you free. I have felt it over and over again as I have walked this journey. But sharing the truth about ourselves can be a really hard thing. We don’t know how others are going to respond to it, and we don’t want to be seen as different, damaged, or sinful. Sharing the truth about ourselves with others puts us in a very vulnerable place, but it is such a beautiful act of worship.

I saw the beauty in truth in two different women at church this Sunday morning. The first time was when a friend’s daughter sang during worship. She sang out from a place I haven’t heard her sing from before, a place of vulnerability and truth. That very truth set her free and it was so beautiful to hear her voice singing so strongly of her relationship with her Father.

The second time was when a young women in our group shared about some abuse in her past and how she had been using it to hide and protect her heart from the group. What amazing courage and beauty it took for her to face the truth. But the truth set her free from the bonds of it, you could see it in her eyes. It was a new and exciting invitation for us to join her in her journey. 

These outpourings of truth became two beautiful acts of worship. It brought tears to many eyes, tears of joy and thankfulness for God’s hand in the molding/mending of two hearts.  How wonderful is our God.

Many in our community turned their hands up to the Father in thanks, but I am sure there were others were provoked as well. The sharing of truth has a way of unsettling the places we are hiding. A call to face our own justifications and sinful distancing. it can be unsettling at best. I believe this too is an act of worship.

It is such a dance we have together in community. One person’s courage may bring someone to their knees in brokenness and it may provoke someone else to run away again.  

The good news is that God is not deterred by our running away again and again. He knows we are afraid but he is willing to wait for us to stop and turn back to him.  

So we ask ourselves, "What are we hiding from? What are we using to justify our self-protection?"

These are always good questions to ask God? He always seems to answer these type of questions. The truth will set you free!  

Valentine's Day Thoughts

Every year come winter I struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder or maybe just some good ole' seasonal depression. The long dark days of winter coupled together with Christmas, New Year's Day, Valentine's Day and finally my birthday often create a spiral of loneliness that seems unending. 

Holidays stir a lot of emotions up in me, mostly feelings that swirl around my being alone. It is an easy thing to allow them to rule my heart, which can quickly lead to letting my emotions rule my head. This swirl in turn breeds a spiral of lies that are often hard to stop once they get started. The spiral of lies are mostly about why I am alone.

It feels important these days, that I begin to live out of what I know to be true rather than let my loneliness drive my choices.  The truth is, I am deeply loved by God and by my friends. 

Trying to live believing this way isn't something that comes easily for me. Life constantly rubs up against the questions, "Do I matter?" and, "Am I wanted?" and it causes all sorts of lies and doubts to surface. My response is usually a demand for others to validate my value, which pushes people away rather than into relationship with me.

So  living out of the belief that I am wanted and that I am loved is a very different path for me. Inviting others into the journey rather than demanding they prove my worth by rescuing me has been an amazing God thing. It is what I so long for in relationship.

So this year, although I feel lonely thinking about Valentine's Day, they are only feelings. I know without a doubt I am loved by my Father and I also know without a doubt that I am loved by a rather large group of wonderful friends.

Do I want more? Well yes, of course I would love to be celebrating Valentine's Day with the man  of my dreams! I am human after all. A human who is wanted, loved, and validated without question! Happy Valentine's Day!

Get Lucky versus Demons

Last week at the Grammy awards the song Get Lucky was awarded Record of the Year. It is one of those songs that quite honestly gets stuck in your head, one that you keep singing over and over, probably because the same line “up all night to get lucky” is repeated over and over.

…. She's up all night till the sun, I'm up all night to get some.
She's up all night for good fun, I'm up all night to get lucky.

We're up all night till the sun, We're up all night to get some.
We're up all night for good fun, We're up all night to get lucky.

We're up all night to get lucky. We're up all night to get lucky.
We're up all night to get lucky. We're up all night to get lucky.

The present has no ribbon, Your gift keeps on giving.
What is this I'm feeling? If you want to leave, I'm with it.

We're up all night to get... We're up all night to get...

We're up all night to get lucky. We're up all night to get lucky.

(Get Lucky by Daft Punk)

Reading part of the lyrics above gives you a quick idea of what the song is about: sex, no strings attached, good fun sex. The song is about getting lucky without any strings. It also doesn’t speak of any damage caused by giving away the “gift” that keeps giving.

However, there is another song that I keep hearing on the radio called Demons. I don’t believe it had any Grammy nominations, probably because it speaks a little too clearly about human darkness.

…. I wanna hide the truth, I wanna shelter you
But with the beast inside, There's nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed, We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come! This is my kingdom come!

…. Don't wanna let you down, But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you, Don't want to hide the truth

No matter what we breed, We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come! This is my kingdom come!

…. They say it's what you make, I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul, I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright, I wanna save that light
I can't escape this now, Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat, Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide, It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close, It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide, It's where my demons hide

(Demons by Imagine Dragons)

There really is something about the lyrics to this song that pulls me in. I love the lines “No matter what we breed, we still are made of greed. This is my kingdom come! This is my kingdom come!”

The true state of the matter is we are all selfish, we deserve hell. The songwriter believes that the only thing that breaks through the darkness is love for someone else, moving outside of ourselves. While this is true on some level, the songwriter is missing the most important part: God.

Love God and love others, without God we are doomed to hell. I am selfish and full of greed; without Him, this is my kingdom come! With Him, I have hope!

The Birthing Process

Over the years I have had plenty of reoccurring dreams, most of them have been about elevators and escalators where I always get off on the same floor. Reflective of the level of stuck-ness I always felt in those years. It has been quite a while since I have had one of those dreams.

However, last night I had a dream that I was in labor. This new dream intrigued me… why would I have a dream about being in labor? At 48 I have little desire to be pregnant so I am pretty sure it wasn't about having children.  

When I got a chance today I Googled it. Dreamdoze.com said that, “Giving birth means that you are birthing something new in your life. This could be a new idea, relationship or project. It represents the start of something new in your life; possibly a major event. The labor represents the effort you are putting forth to deliver what has been growing inside of you. The emergency in the dream means you have some anxiety about the new events that are about to take place in your life.”

Oh, wow! That so fits!   

I was always told to identify the predominant feeling when interpreting a dream. The intensity of the pain of birthing mixed with the excitement of the coming birth were both dominant in my dream last night. Enough so that I was still unsettled when I woke up to go to work and it was still on my mind as I drove to Indy for work this morning. 

So if the dream is not about having a child, then what is being birthed? An interesting question. A question that I am not sure I have all the answers for yet.

Back in July 2013 I read this posting by Sanctus Real on facebook, it said, “If you don’t see hope, ask God for a new vision.”  I remember praying and asking God for a new vision.  A few weeks later I was asked to move from my apartment. I really didn't think the answer was going to be having to move from the comfortable safety of where I was living.

But it was in the very process of having to move that something was impregnated in me. A new way of being in relationship with God and others, a new way of trusting, a peace, a solidness…. of course that is still mixed with fear, loneliness and old patterns of relating but I don’t feel as thrown by those things any more.

2014 brings with it an anticipation of both the strain/pain in the birthing process as well as a jittering level of excitement. Where will God show himself to me this year? What are his plans for me?  Oh Father, give me a vision.