Beautiful Bike Riding Day

Good Communication?

Donald Miller recently wrote a good post on his blog about profanity. I have often wondered over the years why people swear so much. Sometimes at work I hear one of the men say F*** 4 times in a single sentence. 

Do these people know any other adjective, adverb, etc. as they often use F*** in every form of speech. To me they sound uneducated and it discredits whatever it is they are trying to say. 

Donald Miller's take on what it does to you as a communicator is interesting. You can read his articles on his storyline blog.

I Do

Attending a bridal shower should make you smile. It is a time in a girl’s life that is cause for joyous celebration. She will soon be married and with the simple words, “I do” begin a wondrous journey with the man she loves.

It isn’t that I haven’t felt joy for a bride-to-be; it is just that it sometimes stirs up many emotions within me. Just a few weeks ago I attended a bridal shower for a young lady at church. I wished that I had felt more joy, especially since I really like this couple and want good for them as they start their life together.  

Instead, in the days following I spiraled into a deeper loneliness than I had already been feeling. All my desires to be married were torn open; mixed together with my longings to be celebrating these types of milestones with my own children. It was an emotional upheaval that quite frankly took me by surprise.

I have been plagued by loneliness for several months now, so last week in an attempt to kind of think through what I am feeling, I of all things, googled loneliness. I can’t tell you the number of articles about “overcoming” or “fixing” loneliness; none of which really helped. The Christian sites that said God is the only one that can fill our loneliness weren't very helpful either. It felt like it these sites were bypassing something important. I wanted to walk through it, not around it.

Recently I have noticed that my loneliness has turned to cynicism and negativity. My conversations with people seem to be filled with judgmental comments toward myself and toward others. It feels ugly; it is ugly. I am sure others must tire of my negative chatter, I don’t even enjoy being with myself when I am this way.

So where is my heart? Life does feel unfair… my friend’s children are graduating, getting married and soon there will be grandchildren in their lives. This provokes something deep within me: a longing for life to be different, actually a demand that life be different. I grieve. In many ways I am alone in this world and it is unfair. Most of the time, I don’t get it.

But the negative ways in which I interact with others in the middle of it bothers me. I wonder if there is something God wants me to see in the middle of what I am feeling. Do I feel like God owes me these things? If I am honest, I do. I am often standing shaking my fists at God, demanding He make my life less lonely.

I don’t like it much, but I wonder if my anger at the loneliness and my general negativity are a path that could bring my demand into the light? I do.        

Bread and Circuses

There is so much going on in the lives of my friends. There is so much to grieve over and so much to pray about: broken relationships, battered relationships, loss, exhaustion, health issues, back injuries, foot injuries, business struggles, job insecurities, financial battles, loneliness, anger, etc. It feels so overwhelming at times. I want life to work for me and for those I care about. It is hard some days to just get up and keep moving knowing the brokenness of the lives around me.

 A friend gave me the book, Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth: Prayers of Walter Brueggemann, for my birthday and I have been slowly reading it. There is one prayer called, We are much drawn to circuses, that has struck me for some reason. 

The beginning of the prayer talks of our need for bread and for circuses. It goes on to speak of our desire and our imagined control over getting our need met, followed closely by a prayer to deliver us from our self-fulfilling ways.

He then calls us to thank God for His provision, and to plead with God to lessen our anxieties over our perceived need. All so that we can be liberated. I love these thoughts, they deeply move me.

The end of his prayer is humorous and touching, in fact it was the ending that pulled me in. He closes his prayer with, We pray in the name of Jesus who, as far as we know, never went to the circus. Amen.

I love it. Jesus is not about a grand production, He is about loving us well. It keeps coming back to being faithful, to trusting that God will provide what we need out of His love for us. There is such bondage trying to make life work and such freedom in being grateful for what He has given us. Thank God for His resurrection power! Easter is a comin’ 

Save me Father

I don’t understand your ways Lord!

Why You would let a child grow up without a father?

Why You would allow children to accuse their father unjustly?

Fix it God. Fix these broken relationships!

Don’t leave me dangling here in this painful abyss,

Angrily waiting for something that only You can mend.

    

So what does faith look like in this mess?

Why does it have to look like this?

Where are You? Can’t You see my pain?

I’m thrashing about with my heart flailing!

Comfort me! Hold me!

Keep me from harming those I love!

I will never be able to see the good in being fatherless

I will never be able to see the good in broken relationships

I will never be able to see how this is for my good.

Yet Father, I know You are good.

You are compassionate.

You are loving.

So I will lift my hands to You and praise You!

O God, turn toward me in my anger

Show me compassion and save me. 

Lamentation

Another day without relief,

A day just trying to survive.

Been working at a job where I don’t belong,

          Battered by a boss who thinks he’s right.

Couldn’t You do something about this?

          Clean up this messy life I have to live in?

Don’t You know how hard going to this job is for me?

          Daily facing a bully who beats me down?

Ever faithful Father,

          Extend mercy to my desperate pleas.

Free me from this never-ending frustration,

          Fully provide my needs.

Great is Your faithfulness!

          Give me courage to believe in my doubt.

How long must I wait on You Lord?

          Hear me and answer my cries!

I know…

          I know without a doubt: 

Jesus’ presence in my life,

          Joyfully providing every need in His timing.

Knowing this keeps me pleading with You,

          Keeps me wondering the plans You have for me.

Lend me your ear,

          Let me speak of my utter loneliness.

Make life work better for me!

          My heart longs for so much more.

Nobody understands my struggles,

          No one has my back but You.

Open the door to something better than this:

          Offer me a way out of this mess.

Place me in a job where I fit,

          Provide a place where I am treated fairly.

Quench my loneliness,

          Quickly stamp out my enemy.

Rescue me from my unfair oppressor,

Reveal to me the path out.

Stretch out Your hands to me,

          Save me from my own destruction.

Teach me Your ways,

Tender me some true relief!  

Unravel my heart with Your unfailing love

Until I bend my knees to You.

Vigilantly I seek some light to

          Vacate the darkness inside.

Wishing circumstances would change but

          Wanting to wait on You.

X-claiming Your goodness,

          X-alting Your name.

You are my God,

You know the plans you have for me.

Zealously and endlessly You pursue me

         Zestfully guarding my heart for a better day.

My attempt at a Lamentation. Lamentations 1 was written using the alphabet to start each section/line. I gave it a shot using our alphabet. Did okay with the exception of X.  

Happiness