It’s easy to see joy and
happiness as gifts, but when my feelings are darker they don’t feel like that
at all. I don’t really like feeling fear or anger, especially in larger doses. At
those times, I just want out of what I am feeling so I can get back to feeling the
good things of life.
It is interesting because
when I feel immense joy over something I rarely take note of the intensity, but
when I feel immense anger or fear I can hardly ignore the intensity.
In fact, I have been
feeling quite a bit of grief, fear and loneliness lately. The world around me feels
dark and scary these days, and I am physically alone much of the time.
When these dark feelings
overwhelmed me recently, it was easy for me to become cynical and angry. And
when I became cynical and angry, I started treating myself and others like crap.
I starting acting like a fool and getting irritated with anyone in my way. I
hated being that way, especially with those I love.
The self-hatred makes it
hard for me to see anything good about my grief, fear, loneliness, cynicism and
anger. But these are my feelings, they are my brain’s physical response to the
world I live in. They tell me I am alive and allow me a chance to respond in
the moment. It is the response that is the problem, it isn't always good.
I long to see my fear, anger,
and loneliness as a gift, but is not going to be an easy thing. I understand it,
but I am not yet ready to embrace it. Holding on to the fear, anger, and loneliness often seems justifiable and changing that feels in God’s hands. Yet another gift from Him.
