Independence

Beware of refusing to go to the funeral
of your own independence.

The Relinquished Life, Oswald Chambers

God Must Be Up There Chuckling

Sometimes I wonder if God isn't pleasantly amused by me. I woke up this morning crabby and feeling irritated. I was sitting at my computer trying to figure out how I might go about my day without talking to anyone. I had several projects I wanted to get done today so I got dressed and started on my list.

I completed half of my first task on my own but was unable to set the couch back upright without asking someone to help me. So already I had to give up the idea of a non-relational day and call upstairs to my neighbors to see if someone could help me.

After I got my livingroom back in order, I decided to go grab lunch. My first thought was to go to Big Apple Bagel but I passed someone from church that might be heading there, so I headed on toward McDonalds. I placed my order and then headed over to fill my cup with soda. It was at this point I heard my name being called; A friend had seen my van in the parking lot and had come to find me, I felt a mix of annoyance and gladness. I asked my friend if she had already eaten hoping she was on her way out, she had eaten but said she would sit with me while I ate. Ahhh!

I was surprised to find that despite my crabbiness, I actually enjoyed my time with my friend. I even felt my mood begin to shift slightly as we shared a few minutes conversation. When she left to run errands, I stayed for a while to journal and read my book.

Later as I was leaving, I saw yet another friend from church coming through the drive-thru. He stopped and we talked for a minute. After he went on his way, I headed toward my van. I couldn't help thinking that God must really think He is funny. He must be sitting up there smiling and saying, "Silly child, you can't hide from me."

I feel annoyed, enjoyed and yes even a bit thankful to be thwarted once again!

Peaceful Sunset on Winona Lake

Perspective

I dreamed a devilish little man came and stole my breath. He stepped through the door with a skin bag strung limp over his shoulder and with dispassionate efficiency crouched back and slugged me in the stomach. Such an incredulous exhale! And so complete; not a wisp of air remained. In that agonized vacuum I rolled my eyes upward and beheld the stranger tying up the bag with a leather thong. He had the opening squeezed shut in one fist and was throwing half-hitches around it and yanking them tight. Now the skin bag was stretched and seamed. It was barrel-sized and taut as a blimp. Inside it was all my breath. The little man crouched again and looked at me closely. He was a pale one, a horror... When he straightened and went out the door with the taut bag on his shoulder, I saw that my breath was gone. Anyone would panic. I thrashed and lurched and arched my back. On waking I saw Dad kneeling bedside, holding my upper arms; I heard Swede crying distantly; someone I couldn't see was thumping my back. I'd never felt such thumps; they were like car wrecks. But I got a little breath back, and with each painful thump a little more. Confused, still afraid of the man with the skin bag, I tried to tear loose; in my perplexity I thought it might be he who was socking my back. You don't emerge from these episodes thinking clearly... Dad continued to hold me in place. It was a joyous bruising that bit by bit knocked glue from my lungs. I pictured it coming away in globs...

Next morning all geography lay snowbound... Swede's bed was empty. I hollered for her even while realizing the whole house sounded empty. Crossing the hall into Dad's room I heard muffled scrapings and ran to the window. Sure enough, all three of them were out back... Dad and Roxanna were clearing a wide path to the barn. They were just finishing. Now Roxanna and Swede were heaving at the big square barn door, trying to slide it open.

"Wait" I yelled--I ran to my room, hooked my pants and shirt, ran back to the window where I could watch them while I dressed--"Wait for me!" I banged on the glass, but they couldn't hear. I shouted again: "Wait up!" What were they doing out there in the new snow without me? What a rotten deal! Then surprise, I had to lean quick on the windowsill. All that yelling had used up my air... Outside I heard the barn door screel open, and Swede's outcry of wonder and pleasure, and Roxanna laughing. I tell you no one ever felt sorrier for their sorry lot than I for mine there in that empty house. I crawled back in bed under the weight of the sun and joy and adventure happening outdoors, and I thought dangerous things to myself. Back to mind came every hurt I'd endured for my defect, every awaited thing I'd missed. It seemed that I'd been left alone here by the callousness of my family; that should the man with the skin bag return I might not fight so hard next time; that this house was so empty even God was not inside it. He was out there with the others having fun.

Peace Like A River, Leif Enger

This description of a nighttime asthma attack was so similar to my current struggle with being unemployed that it took me by surprise as I read it. At times it really does feel as if the wind has been knocked out of me. It gives a good description of the fear of the unknown that exists even as others come along side of me in my pain and of my feelings of aloneness or of being on the outside that I often feel as I walk this path.

I really understood how easily he twisted the genuineness of his families concern for his situation and his own revengeful thoughts toward them. It really does a great job describing many of the ways that I am feeling right now, including the fact that I often speak out of what feels like justified anger.

Really?

Knowing that He's moving at all sometimes becomes the central piece of faith we need to keep ourselves moving. The courage to not quit, to not settle for immediate pleasure that brings happiness back for only a moment, often depends on our conviction that God is moving, that we are being taken to an experience of ectasy along a path of suffering, that there is no other way to get there.

Shattered Dreams, Larry Crabb

It feels extremely hard these days for me live this way but I feel more willing than ever to live in the pain of life's circumstances for the sake of knowing my God better. Life is such a rollercoaster, one moment I am wanting desperately to find relief and the next praying that God might be found in the midst of it. Living faithfully may sound easy but sometimes it feels nearly impossible to believe that God is still actively pursueing me. I guess that is why it is called faith.