As I look back over my day today, I can see that this was really a different kind of birthday for me than in the years past. There was a sense of rest and peace to my day, instead of my normal path of dread and struggle.
As I approached my birthday celebration with friends tonight, there was just a tiny amount of awkwardness that felt more to do with being the center of attention than with any internal desire to flee. It was a wondrous surprise to me that I was feeling so free in it.
This felt odd to me because I have been feeling such a rawness over life these past couple of months. It isn't that the rawness of life was gone tonight; it was just that I felt rest in the presence of these friends who know me so well. It allowed me to feel the rawness and still enjoy being there. I feel so grateful.
Every year at my birthday party I am asked for reflections or thoughts on the last year. As it gets closer to my birthday I always feel this scramble to pull my thoughts together, to have a script of sorts to share. I was really surprised today that I didn't feel any need to scramble... It felt completely okay for me to be raw and disoriented; to just share what came to my mind. I found that this freedom allowed me to be more present tonight. This feels like such a good thing for me and for my friends as well.
What a wonderful evening of great food, great friends (such energy), and the freedom of letting myself be loved. I have such overly-generous and overly-gracious friends. I am truly one blessed St. Patrick's Day baby!
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