A Painful Widening

    If God is a self-bestowing God, then his gift is liable to engage us. If he is active, then, in prayer, provided we stay around, he is liable to act.
    Night: if God is beyond us, his approach is also liable to leave us feeling out of our depth. When the divine engages us more deeply, our minds and feelings will have less to take hold of, accustomed as they are to controlling the agenda, to meeting God on their terms and in portions they can handle. A deeper gift will feel like no gift at all. His 'loving inflow' is 'hidden'; it is night.
    If anything is felt it will probably be our own selfishness and narrowness (wood crackling and twisting as the fire makes progress). When God approaches as who he is, I am liable to feel myself for what I am. As a physical sign of growth is growing pains, so a sign of God's gift is the pain of being widened. This is the blessedness of night, that God, who wants to give, undertakes to make space in us for his gift.
    That, then, is the terminology: contemplation: a loving inflow of God; night; his love felt as pain.
    ...So global statements are being made. Night assures us: that there is somewhere to go; that only God can take us there; that he does intend to take us there; that he takes us there in darkness; and that darkness must be lived in faith.

The Impact of God, Iain Matthew

I have felt few words to describe what I have been feeling internally lately. I found myself exhaling upon reading the words above, followed by a desperate plea for it to be true. What is God up to in the darkness that feels so overwhelming to me these days? What is He making space for? Do I believe He intends to take me somewhere in it... if I 'stay around'? I hope so, I hope it is true, that He is at work in the darkness. I want to flee but I also want to know what will happen if I stay.