I Do

Attending a bridal shower should make you smile. It is a time in a girl’s life that is cause for joyous celebration. She will soon be married and with the simple words, “I do” begin a wondrous journey with the man she loves.

It isn’t that I haven’t felt joy for a bride-to-be; it is just that it sometimes stirs up many emotions within me. Just a few weeks ago I attended a bridal shower for a young lady at church. I wished that I had felt more joy, especially since I really like this couple and want good for them as they start their life together.  

Instead, in the days following I spiraled into a deeper loneliness than I had already been feeling. All my desires to be married were torn open; mixed together with my longings to be celebrating these types of milestones with my own children. It was an emotional upheaval that quite frankly took me by surprise.

I have been plagued by loneliness for several months now, so last week in an attempt to kind of think through what I am feeling, I of all things, googled loneliness. I can’t tell you the number of articles about “overcoming” or “fixing” loneliness; none of which really helped. The Christian sites that said God is the only one that can fill our loneliness weren't very helpful either. It felt like it these sites were bypassing something important. I wanted to walk through it, not around it.

Recently I have noticed that my loneliness has turned to cynicism and negativity. My conversations with people seem to be filled with judgmental comments toward myself and toward others. It feels ugly; it is ugly. I am sure others must tire of my negative chatter, I don’t even enjoy being with myself when I am this way.

So where is my heart? Life does feel unfair… my friend’s children are graduating, getting married and soon there will be grandchildren in their lives. This provokes something deep within me: a longing for life to be different, actually a demand that life be different. I grieve. In many ways I am alone in this world and it is unfair. Most of the time, I don’t get it.

But the negative ways in which I interact with others in the middle of it bothers me. I wonder if there is something God wants me to see in the middle of what I am feeling. Do I feel like God owes me these things? If I am honest, I do. I am often standing shaking my fists at God, demanding He make my life less lonely.

I don’t like it much, but I wonder if my anger at the loneliness and my general negativity are a path that could bring my demand into the light? I do.