I'm Still Yours

I've really been struggling the last few weeks and in the process I have been moving further and further from people. I haven't gone to church in four weeks and as much as I want to be there Easter morning I still haven't decided if I will choose to go on Sunday. I had been attending faithfully in the weeks prior even though I didn't really feel like being there. When I was there I felt disconnected, and I often left after the service feeling more desperate than when I came. It feels like nobody seems to understand how much I am struggling these days.

I know that not going to church is a bad choice for me, but I am wondering now if this might be a chance for me to see some of the more deeply embedded lies that I believe. I feel so angry. I feel very angry at people closest to me. I'm not even sure what it is I want from them. I would leave if I could, I would walk away from my church and my friends, but I can't bring myself to do it. I can't hurt them that way no matter what I am feeling in the midst of this crappy life. I know they love me and I also know God loves me. This should be comforting but it only seems to make me more frustrated. I have no case, at least not one the stands up. I feel great turmoil in it all.

I was listening to a new Kutless album this morning and I heard a song called, "I'm Still Yours" that I really liked. It feels hard to keep my hands lifted to Him but I feel like there is little else I can do.

You can listen to the song on YouTube:

If You washed away my vanity
If You took away my words
If all my world was swept away
Would You be enough for me?
Would my beating heart still sing?

If I lost it all, Would my hands stay lifted
To the God who gives and takes away
If You take it all, This life You've given
Still my heart will sing to You

When my life is not what I expected
The plans I made have failed
When there's nothing left to steal me away
Will You be enough for me?
Will my broken heart still sing?

If I lost it all, Would my hands stay lifted
To the God who gives and takes away
If You take it all, This life You've given
Still my heart will sing to You

Even if You take it all away
You'll never let me go
Take it all away, But I still know

That I'm Yours, I'm still Yours
Oh, I'm Yours, I'm still Yours
I'm still Yours

I'm Still Yours, sung by Kutless

Our Place

In order that we should realize the distance between ourselves and God, it was necessary that God should be a crucified slave. For we do not realize distance except in the downward direction. It is much easier to imagine ourselves in the place of God the Creator than in the place of Christ crucified.

Waiting for God, Simone Weil

Twitchy Puddin'head O'Mama's 45th Birthday

It seems incredible weird to say that I am 45 today. I feel older, my body aches more and so does my soul. I am not really sure how I feel going into another St. Patrick's Day birthday.

One of my friends posted a "Capstan Leprechaun" name on facebook. So I googled it and found out that my name was Twitchy Puddin'head O'Mama. That pretty much sums up how I feel today. You can just call me Puddin'head for short.

Crazy Heart

I haven't seen the movie Crazy Heart yet, but I was recently reading the USA Today's review of the movie. It reads like this:

Upside: Bridges won the Oscar for best actor for his compelling performance. The infectous score includes the Oscar-winning song The Weary Kid.
Downside: The story of redemption is too familiar.

How can the story of redemption become too familiar? Why would anyone tire of it?

Perhaps they are talking about a different type of redemption: the redemption of yourself from your own mistakes. But is that really your own work? Doesn't all redemption come from the same source? God?

Doesn't a good redemption story remind us all that we need redeeming? Perhaps this critic doesn't see a need for his own redemption; perhaps he tires at being told once again that somethings in his life may need redeeming.

But am I any better at seeing my need for redemption? Not always, that's why I like a good story of redemption. So after this review I really hope I get to see Crazy Heart soon.

"Uncle" Captain Dynamite

I've known for a while now that my father had a half brother, but I never really knew anything about him. Last year when I obtained a copy of my grandparent's marriage certificate it had Baken on it as the surname of my grandma's first husband. So I knew his surname but that was about it.

My half-brother recently emailed me and told me a bit more about our uncle. My father's half brother was Alfred R. Baken. He was an escape artist with the Transworld Auto Daredevils. For his act he would attach eight sticks of dynamite to a handbuilt coffin that he would lock himself in. After the explosion he would be standing there untouched in his white breeches, motorcycle boots, red shirt and helmet.

He had been successfully doing his act for three years when something went wrong; he was killed in front of 2000 spectators in Waterloo, Iowa. He was only 24 years old when he died in 1956. I wish that I had a picture of him (especially in his Captain Dynamite outfit) but there wasn't one in the few articles that I found online.

They are still doing this exploding coffin trick during stunt shows, so I was able to put two images here of what the explosion would have looked like.

Please...

“What do you really want to do?” or, “Do you have any leads?”

I have been hearing these questions a lot from my friends lately and it has been increasingly irritating to me. I don't want to be disrespectful toward them, I know they are asking because they care deeply about me; I just don't think they are asking the right questions of me.

I know how to seek employment and what I need to do to locate job prospects. Don’t get me wrong, it is a good thing to have my friends listening for job opportunities and I do appreciate it.

I am just wondering if they want relief for themselves as much as they want relief for me. You see, I am not sure my friends are all that comfortable with my struggle. They often want to find a way out of the tension it creates by helping me find ways to fix it.

I can search for job prospects and apply, but ultimately I can’t control whether I am hired by a potential employer. It is this very thing that often leaves me spinning. I have no control of my jobless situation so I turn to things that feel like they can give me some control of my life. These are the things that no one asks about. My self-contempt over my failure to get a job twisted together with bad choices.

We talked about suffering in Bible study this week. It made me wonder: If God uses suffering in our lives to get us to turn our hearts toward him then why are we so quick trying to get our friends out of their suffering? What does it mean to walk with each other through suffering?

Sure we want things to be different; we want better health, more obedient kids, and freedom from unemployment. But don’t we want our friends to know God better in the midst of their suffering? I know that I want to know my God better in the midst of my suffering, but I am struggling to turn my face toward him on my own. We need each other to find God.

So why have I become irritated then when people ask me “What do you really want to do?” or, “Do you have any leads?” I think it is because it doesn’t speak into my true battle. I almost prefer it when people respond to my struggle with, “I don’t know what to say or what to do that would help.”

I long for people to help me find God in the middle of feeling self-contempt, rejected and unneeded. I know that I need to be willing to offer these struggles without being asked, to put words to the battle going on inside me. It is a hard thing for me to do; may God be merciful on me a sinner.