Please...

“What do you really want to do?” or, “Do you have any leads?”

I have been hearing these questions a lot from my friends lately and it has been increasingly irritating to me. I don't want to be disrespectful toward them, I know they are asking because they care deeply about me; I just don't think they are asking the right questions of me.

I know how to seek employment and what I need to do to locate job prospects. Don’t get me wrong, it is a good thing to have my friends listening for job opportunities and I do appreciate it.

I am just wondering if they want relief for themselves as much as they want relief for me. You see, I am not sure my friends are all that comfortable with my struggle. They often want to find a way out of the tension it creates by helping me find ways to fix it.

I can search for job prospects and apply, but ultimately I can’t control whether I am hired by a potential employer. It is this very thing that often leaves me spinning. I have no control of my jobless situation so I turn to things that feel like they can give me some control of my life. These are the things that no one asks about. My self-contempt over my failure to get a job twisted together with bad choices.

We talked about suffering in Bible study this week. It made me wonder: If God uses suffering in our lives to get us to turn our hearts toward him then why are we so quick trying to get our friends out of their suffering? What does it mean to walk with each other through suffering?

Sure we want things to be different; we want better health, more obedient kids, and freedom from unemployment. But don’t we want our friends to know God better in the midst of their suffering? I know that I want to know my God better in the midst of my suffering, but I am struggling to turn my face toward him on my own. We need each other to find God.

So why have I become irritated then when people ask me “What do you really want to do?” or, “Do you have any leads?” I think it is because it doesn’t speak into my true battle. I almost prefer it when people respond to my struggle with, “I don’t know what to say or what to do that would help.”

I long for people to help me find God in the middle of feeling self-contempt, rejected and unneeded. I know that I need to be willing to offer these struggles without being asked, to put words to the battle going on inside me. It is a hard thing for me to do; may God be merciful on me a sinner.