Building Deep Trust in a Twilight Zone

“There is a twilight zone in our hearts that we ourselves cannot see. Even when we know quite a lot about ourselves-our gifts and weaknesses, our ambitions and aspirations, our motives and our drives-large parts of ourselves remain in the shadow of consciousness. This is a very good thing. We will always remain partially hidden to ourselves. Other people, especially those who love us, can often see our twilight zones better than we ourselves can. The way we are seen and understood by others is different from the way we see and understand ourselves. We will never fully know the significance of our presence in the lives of our friends. That's a grace, a grace that calls us not only to humility, but to a deep trust in those who love us. It is the twilight zones of our hearts where true friendships are born.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen

Someone recently challenged me to write unedited for 5 minutes on the word trust. I wrote (in part): "Trust is the belief that someone has your best interest at heart. With that (at least humanly) often comes disappointment. I’m not sure why but Humility seems attached, perhaps because it takes a working relationship between two people to have trust and we fail each other so miserably. But over time we come to look past the failures to the heart of our closest friends, knowing the heart of a person toward you instills trust in them."

It is interesting to me that Nouwen mentions humility as well, but he uses it in connection with grace. I see now that it requires a tolerance of each other's humanness. But Nouwen doesn't simply leave it there, he says that humility and grace LEAD to a deep trust in those who love us. 

The building of trust in relationship has been and still is a struggle for me. I find it hard to assume friendship, to believe I am wanted, to move freely in relationships. However, I will say I do it better than I did 25 years ago... and even better than I did 5 years ago. I feel forever grateful to my friends who have been willing to enter into my "Twilight Zones" over the years, who have offered me grace when I know I didn't deserve it.

Humility continues to wash over me these days as God is allowing some previously hidden parts of me come into the light. It is hard to see the truth in my choices, it is humbling to say the least. Humbling because I know I will make the same relational choices again. I know that I will hear the same lies in my head, will twist the truth again, but my eyes are now able to see it clearly. Repentance is hard but refreshing.

My hope is that 5 years from now I can say that I did it better, that I trusted others better and moved more freely. My hope is that my eyes will stay open long enough to see others that I will stop fleeing long enough to love better.