The Right Questions?

Why do we tend to return to old wounds? I find myself again and again returning to the familiar pain associated with abandonment. I am not referring to the pain of my father's absence but rather the sense that all people will eventually abandon me.

The questions that rise up within me are ones of personal reflection or introspection: "Why do I go back there? How does going back into those painful wounds work for me?  Why would I want to feel abandoned? 

This past week I began re-reading a book by Donald Miller called To Own A Dragon.  I came across this section, a section that really stuck with me. So much so that I have been unable to move on into the rest of the book.

“Here is the real truth I am stammering toward. John MacMurray isn’t my father. My boss isn’t my father. The cop on the street isn’t my father. My father split and that stinks, and none of these guys are going to replace him. And what that means is that they are not responsible to tell me I am a man. Any love or affirmation they give is a gift, but holding them responsible for the insult my father cast down is inappropriate. The wound I have isn’t there because of them.” - Donald Miller, To Own A Dragon

It isn't that this section of the book is a exact reflection of my story. My father did leave and that did stink. Yes, it harmed me and it has made me look to others to father me. All that is true, but those things aren't what spoke out to me. What the passage did was make me wonder if the questions I have been asking recently [above] were the right questions for me to be asking.

I have placed my friendships in a place they don't belong. I have made friends responsible for carrying parts of my soul that they aren't supposed to be carrying. And when they have failed to father me, I have assumed that they have abandoned me. 

Don said, "The wound I have isn't there because of them." So, the questions I should be asking are: what happens between me and a friend when I start believing they have abandoned me? How does this path harm relationship? How does it cause separation? How does it take away my responsibility in our friendship? Who is really abandoning who? Is it really me abandoning them?

Which then ultimately leads me to begin asking how this translates to my relationship with God? Father, please help me find the right questions. Have mercy on me when I can't seem to turn my eyes away from my own pain and wounds!