Happy National Ugly Christmas Sweater Day

This was the ugliest sweater I could find:

JOY

JOY does not simply happen.

   We have to choose JOY

                  and

 keep choosing it every day.

                                                               - Henri Nouwen

God Does Not Owe Me, He Loves Me

Thanks to Stephan Straits for posting "Single and not waiting" on his facebook page. I really enjoyed Rachel Selinger's thoughts on what it is like to be 23 and single. She talks about what it feels like watching her friends get married. About how others often refer to their wedding day as the first day of the rest of their lives.

I felt a great connection with her when she said,

I've been living like God owes me something. Like he hasn't held up his end of the deal. He has given me the desire for relationship and marriage, and he just hasn't followed through. I've been living under the impression that I deserve a relationship.

Good words. It seems like I have to return to face my demand over and over. My demand that life look differently. Even at 49 years of age, my demand for a father and a husband still rages deep within me. Provoked not so much by the marriage of my friends these days, but now by the marriage of their children and the birth of their grandchildren.

Some days it is really hard not to compare lives, and really easy for the demand to rear its ugly head. At those times, I have to remind myself that the desire for relationship is good but the demand for God to give it to me is not. God does not owe me a father or a husband, or for that matter deep friendship.

What God is really after, is my heart. He longs for my desire to be solely for him. When my heart is full of demand I can not fully receive the depth of his true love for me. It must sadden him greatly. I long to feel equally saddened, and perhaps that is the journey of God's pursuit of me.

God's Relentless Love

"Love one another as I have loved you." This command to love has always felt simple and straight-forward to me. I hadn't really given much thought to the possible depth of the command, that is until I considered the great passion in which Jesus loves me.

A couple of Sunday's ago at church we sing, "Jesus lover of my soul, all-consuming fire is in your gaze." I felt stopped in my tracks by those words. Did I really believe what I was singing?

I wondered recently what that really looks like, what that really feels like. I can't even imagine someone having that much desire for me. I wondered how I would live differently if I really did live my life knowing the deeper passionate love of God for me.

The recovery of passion is intimately connected with astonishment. We are swept up by the overwhelming face of mystery. Self-consciousness evaporates in the presence of what Rudolph Otto called "mysterium tremendum." The transcendent God overtakes us and overcomes us. Such an experience may wash over our consciousness like a gentle tide saturating the mind and heart in a tranquil spirit of profound adoration. Awe, wonder, and amazement induce speechless humility. We have a brief glimpse of the God we never dreamed existed.    - Abba's Child - Brennan Manning

Recently I caught a brief glimpse of God's transcendence in a conversation with a friend over breakfast. In became clear to me later that when I chose to live out of my belovedness, when I believed that I am wanted, pursued and loved, it pushed away the lies for a moment. And in that moment as I talked with my friend, I was in touch with my true self, a loved child of God. What a wondrous, crazy thing!

I am in awe of God's relentless love: His pursuit of something deeper in my heart that one day may hopefully free me fully to love others as passionately as He loves me. All this despite the terror I feel when I allow myself to be vulnerable and loved deeply. May I keep turning back to Him and bending my knee to His healing hand knowing a better day is ahead.

The Impostor

Each of has has a false self or an impostor that we use to make ourselves into someone we are not. Brennan Manning wrote the following thoughts in Chapter 2, The Impostor, in his book, Abba's Child:

• The impostor prompts us to attach importance to what has no importance...
• The impostor is a liar.
• Our false self stubbornly blinds each of us to the light and the truth of our own emptiness and hollowness. We cannot acknowledge the darkness within.
• The impostor bears a distinct resemblance to alcohol for the alcoholic. He is cunning, baffling, and powerful. He is insidious. 
• ...God does not know anything about him (Thomas Merton)
• It is the nature of the false self to save us from knowing the truth about our real selves, from penetrating the deeper causes of our unhappiness, from seeing ourselves as we really are--vulnerable, afraid, terrified, and unable to let our real selves emerge. (James Masterson) 
• ...a life devoted to the shadow is a life of sin. I have sinned in my cowardly refusal--out of fear of rejection--to think, feel, act, respond, and live from my authentic self. (Thomas Merton)
• The impostor must be called out of hiding, accepted and embraced. He is an integral part of my total self. Whatever is denied cannot be healed.
• Peace lies in acceptance of truth. Any facet of the shadow self that we refuse to embrace becomes the enemy and forces us into defensive postures.
• Hatred of the impostor is actually self-hatred... self[hatred always results in some form of self-destructive behavior.
• [Must be taken], where unknowingly [the impostor] has longed to be--into the presence of Jesus. 

This leaves much to consider. We were made to live fully as a child of God, but we cannot escape the emergence of a false self. I wonder if we can't really see ourselves clearly until we are willing or able to see the impostor for who he really is, a liar. 

Trust

...when we wallow in shame, remorse, self-hatred,

and guilt over real or imagined failings in the past,

we  are betraying  our distrust in  the love  of God,

that we have not accepted the acceptance of Jesus

Christ, the total sufficiency of his redeeming work.

Preoccupation  with  our  past sins,  our  present

weaknesses,  our  character  defects,  gets  our

emotions churning in self-destructive ways, closes 

us  in  the mighty  citadel itself,  and  completely

preempts the presence of the compassionate God.

                                                     - Brennan Manning 

Old Ache

…There we are warned that it may happen to any one of us to appear at last before the face of God and hear only the appalling words: “I never knew you. Depart from Me.” In some sense, as dark to the intellect as it is unendurable to the feelings, we can be both banished from the presence of Him who is present everywhere and erased from the knowledge of Him who knows all. We can be left utterly and absolutely outside—repelled, exiled, estranged, finally and unspeakably ignored. On the other hand, we can be called in, welcomed, received, acknowledged. We walk every day on the razor edge between these two incredible possibilities. Apparently, then, our lifelong nostalgia, our longing to be reunited with something in the universe from which we now feel cut off, to be on the inside of some door which we have always seen from the outside, is no mere neurotic fancy, but the truest index of our real situation. And to be at last summoned inside would be both glory and honour beyond all our merits and also the healing of that old ache.   

                                                                                        C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

The Weight of Glory

The books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing. These things—the beauty, the memory of our own past—are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited.

 …Almost our whole education has been directed to silencing this shy, persistent, inner voice; almost all our modem philosophies have been devised to convince us that the good of man is to be found on this earth. And yet it is a remarkable thing that such philosophies of Progress or Creative Evolution themselves bear reluctant witness to the truth that our real goal is elsewhere. When they want to convince you that earth is your home, notice how they set about it. They begin by trying to persuade you that earth can be made into heaven…

 Do what they will, then, we remain conscious of a desire which no natural happiness will satisfy...  

                                                                                                                    [C.S. Lewis]

You deserve to be happy?

I saw this Facebook ad earlier today as I was scrolling down my wall. A couple of things about this particular ad struck me. Initially I was quite taken back by the idea of internet counseling. Emotions and intent are so hard when you can't see a face. But then I thought that there is a whole group of hurting isolated people out there that are solely on the internet. So if this is a stepping stone toward someone getting help then I think it could be a good thing. But only if the person is encouraged to build face-to-face relationships.

The other thing that struck me was the catch phrase, "you deserve to be happy." I don't know if it is the word deserve or the word happy, or perhaps the two put together. Do I feel like I deserve to be happy? or maybe a better way to say it is, Where do I feel like I deserve to be happy? What do I think being happy should look like? 

It seems like it demands some of life's circumstances to change. What if they don't change? What if life keeps throwing lemons at you? If life doesn't change, then where does true happiness come from? 

Doesn't it come from knowing that there is something bigger going on than my pain, and in the middle of it all there is a God who loves me unconditionally. I think I would like this add better if it said, "You can find the true source of your happiness." 

Kelsey Grammer's on Forgiveness & God

I found this video while looking for something else. It is worth watching.

The Importance of Lineage

Recently I have been watching quite a few episodes of Who Do You Think You Are? on YouTube. Last night I watched the UK episode for Patsy Kensit. She has a most interesting story.

Patsy’s parents are now both deceased and she knew very little of her family’s history. Her father James was associated with organized crime. They were two main organized crime families in the UK at the time and her father did business with both families. While her father did time in prison, her mother was left to take care of her and her brother James on her own.

Patsy was curious about her father’s parents and found that her grandfather James Sr., was also in and out of prison for theft & robbery while her father was a child. Finding this out was very discouraging for Patsy, leaving her to wonder if criminal activity was going to be a normal pattern in her family’s history.

Her grandfather James Sr., was the son of Thomas James Kensit. He was found to be the illegitimate son of James Dennis and Sarah Ann Kensit, who never married. Sarah Ann’s father was Thomas Kensit, who was a walking stick maker. Thomas helped raise his grandson and taught him the trade of being a walking stick maker too. This was a respectable trade to have, but when machines started to do this type of work faster and cheaper, it pushed the whole family into desperate poverty.

It was found that Thomas James Kensit’s biological father was James Dennis. James Dennis’ father James Dennis Sr. was a well-known and well-loved Sexton of Beckenham church.

The Beckenham church historian let Patsy read his obituary. She was so moved by the fact that a man related to her was so well respected in the church. Her emotional was so overwhelming that she could barely put a sentence together amidst the tears.

It made me wonder how a man’s choices several generations back could still affect the generations ahead of him. Do my choices today matter to people living 150 or 200 years from now?  My view is so narrow and small.

We know that Thomas James Kensit’s father was James Dennis and that his mother was Sarah Anne Kensit, the daughter of Thomas Kensit and Melissa Mayne. Melissa Mayne, was the daughter of the Rev. James Mayne. The Rev. James Mayne was the Curate of the St. Matthews Bethnal Green church. The parish had 62,000 parishioners, most of which were destitute.

While serving at St. Matthews, he baptized, married and buried people in large numbers. He set up a school and also started a relief fund for the destitute and poor. He even went to the royal family and requested money to help the large number of poor in Bethnal Green. He was quite a remarkable man who crusaded for his parishioners.

James Mayne was given an honorary Master of Arts Lambeth Degree in Divinity from the Arch Bishops of Canterbury. He went on to become a Vicar in a country church, dying while still serving. 

What a wonderful legacy.

I can’t help but wonder if having a wider picture of our historical heritage does something for us. Does it offer a better foundation? Does it give us better perspective? A bigger picture?

Sometimes it feels hard to get past our more current histories, or past one or two generations. These are most likely the relatives we have actually met. We know or have heard about their good and bad choices and often about their parents good and bad choices. But it is a very small part of larger story, maybe even the story of all human beings.

I do wonder how much this genealogical journey changed Patsy. How did she see herself when she was growing up? How did her father being in prison affect her relationally? How does her being married 4 times fit into the whole thing?

Her Wikipedia bio says that she started going to the Catholic Church after her mother died of breast cancer in 1993. Has she struggled with feeling like she belongs there? Does her knowledge that there are at least two very strong God-believing patriarchs in her lineage change anything for her?

I know that I have Quakers in my lineage. And I know that a few were imprisoned for their beliefs. It is why they came to America, for religious freedom. Does that change how I view my life? In a way it does. Their faith was strong and they moved despite the hardships that came along with it. That same strength is deep within me too. Is that DNA or the story of all humans?

Isn’t that why the Israelites were taught to remember? To look back at their lineage and see the choices their ancestors made. Not just the good choices either, because the bad choices can show us just as much as the good ones.

Day at Indiana Dunes

Beautiful Bike Riding Day

Good Communication?

Donald Miller recently wrote a good post on his blog about profanity. I have often wondered over the years why people swear so much. Sometimes at work I hear one of the men say F*** 4 times in a single sentence. 

Do these people know any other adjective, adverb, etc. as they often use F*** in every form of speech. To me they sound uneducated and it discredits whatever it is they are trying to say. 

Donald Miller's take on what it does to you as a communicator is interesting. You can read his articles on his storyline blog.

I Do

Attending a bridal shower should make you smile. It is a time in a girl’s life that is cause for joyous celebration. She will soon be married and with the simple words, “I do” begin a wondrous journey with the man she loves.

It isn’t that I haven’t felt joy for a bride-to-be; it is just that it sometimes stirs up many emotions within me. Just a few weeks ago I attended a bridal shower for a young lady at church. I wished that I had felt more joy, especially since I really like this couple and want good for them as they start their life together.  

Instead, in the days following I spiraled into a deeper loneliness than I had already been feeling. All my desires to be married were torn open; mixed together with my longings to be celebrating these types of milestones with my own children. It was an emotional upheaval that quite frankly took me by surprise.

I have been plagued by loneliness for several months now, so last week in an attempt to kind of think through what I am feeling, I of all things, googled loneliness. I can’t tell you the number of articles about “overcoming” or “fixing” loneliness; none of which really helped. The Christian sites that said God is the only one that can fill our loneliness weren't very helpful either. It felt like it these sites were bypassing something important. I wanted to walk through it, not around it.

Recently I have noticed that my loneliness has turned to cynicism and negativity. My conversations with people seem to be filled with judgmental comments toward myself and toward others. It feels ugly; it is ugly. I am sure others must tire of my negative chatter, I don’t even enjoy being with myself when I am this way.

So where is my heart? Life does feel unfair… my friend’s children are graduating, getting married and soon there will be grandchildren in their lives. This provokes something deep within me: a longing for life to be different, actually a demand that life be different. I grieve. In many ways I am alone in this world and it is unfair. Most of the time, I don’t get it.

But the negative ways in which I interact with others in the middle of it bothers me. I wonder if there is something God wants me to see in the middle of what I am feeling. Do I feel like God owes me these things? If I am honest, I do. I am often standing shaking my fists at God, demanding He make my life less lonely.

I don’t like it much, but I wonder if my anger at the loneliness and my general negativity are a path that could bring my demand into the light? I do.        

Bread and Circuses

There is so much going on in the lives of my friends. There is so much to grieve over and so much to pray about: broken relationships, battered relationships, loss, exhaustion, health issues, back injuries, foot injuries, business struggles, job insecurities, financial battles, loneliness, anger, etc. It feels so overwhelming at times. I want life to work for me and for those I care about. It is hard some days to just get up and keep moving knowing the brokenness of the lives around me.

 A friend gave me the book, Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth: Prayers of Walter Brueggemann, for my birthday and I have been slowly reading it. There is one prayer called, We are much drawn to circuses, that has struck me for some reason. 

The beginning of the prayer talks of our need for bread and for circuses. It goes on to speak of our desire and our imagined control over getting our need met, followed closely by a prayer to deliver us from our self-fulfilling ways.

He then calls us to thank God for His provision, and to plead with God to lessen our anxieties over our perceived need. All so that we can be liberated. I love these thoughts, they deeply move me.

The end of his prayer is humorous and touching, in fact it was the ending that pulled me in. He closes his prayer with, We pray in the name of Jesus who, as far as we know, never went to the circus. Amen.

I love it. Jesus is not about a grand production, He is about loving us well. It keeps coming back to being faithful, to trusting that God will provide what we need out of His love for us. There is such bondage trying to make life work and such freedom in being grateful for what He has given us. Thank God for His resurrection power! Easter is a comin’ 

Save me Father

I don’t understand your ways Lord!

Why You would let a child grow up without a father?

Why You would allow children to accuse their father unjustly?

Fix it God. Fix these broken relationships!

Don’t leave me dangling here in this painful abyss,

Angrily waiting for something that only You can mend.

    

So what does faith look like in this mess?

Why does it have to look like this?

Where are You? Can’t You see my pain?

I’m thrashing about with my heart flailing!

Comfort me! Hold me!

Keep me from harming those I love!

I will never be able to see the good in being fatherless

I will never be able to see the good in broken relationships

I will never be able to see how this is for my good.

Yet Father, I know You are good.

You are compassionate.

You are loving.

So I will lift my hands to You and praise You!

O God, turn toward me in my anger

Show me compassion and save me. 

Lamentation

Another day without relief,

A day just trying to survive.

Been working at a job where I don’t belong,

          Battered by a boss who thinks he’s right.

Couldn’t You do something about this?

          Clean up this messy life I have to live in?

Don’t You know how hard going to this job is for me?

          Daily facing a bully who beats me down?

Ever faithful Father,

          Extend mercy to my desperate pleas.

Free me from this never-ending frustration,

          Fully provide my needs.

Great is Your faithfulness!

          Give me courage to believe in my doubt.

How long must I wait on You Lord?

          Hear me and answer my cries!

I know…

          I know without a doubt: 

Jesus’ presence in my life,

          Joyfully providing every need in His timing.

Knowing this keeps me pleading with You,

          Keeps me wondering the plans You have for me.

Lend me your ear,

          Let me speak of my utter loneliness.

Make life work better for me!

          My heart longs for so much more.

Nobody understands my struggles,

          No one has my back but You.

Open the door to something better than this:

          Offer me a way out of this mess.

Place me in a job where I fit,

          Provide a place where I am treated fairly.

Quench my loneliness,

          Quickly stamp out my enemy.

Rescue me from my unfair oppressor,

Reveal to me the path out.

Stretch out Your hands to me,

          Save me from my own destruction.

Teach me Your ways,

Tender me some true relief!  

Unravel my heart with Your unfailing love

Until I bend my knees to You.

Vigilantly I seek some light to

          Vacate the darkness inside.

Wishing circumstances would change but

          Wanting to wait on You.

X-claiming Your goodness,

          X-alting Your name.

You are my God,

You know the plans you have for me.

Zealously and endlessly You pursue me

         Zestfully guarding my heart for a better day.

My attempt at a Lamentation. Lamentations 1 was written using the alphabet to start each section/line. I gave it a shot using our alphabet. Did okay with the exception of X.  

Happiness

Ultimate Gift Giver

The best way to thank a gift giver is to thoroughly enjoy the gift.
[Against An Infinite Horizon, Ronald Rolheiser]

There are many gift givers but God is ultimate gift giver. How does that change my attitude toward what has been given to me?

The Beauty of Truth

I deeply believe that the truth is what sets you free. I have felt it over and over again as I have walked this journey. But sharing the truth about ourselves can be a really hard thing. We don’t know how others are going to respond to it, and we don’t want to be seen as different, damaged, or sinful. Sharing the truth about ourselves with others puts us in a very vulnerable place, but it is such a beautiful act of worship.

I saw the beauty in truth in two different women at church this Sunday morning. The first time was when a friend’s daughter sang during worship. She sang out from a place I haven’t heard her sing from before, a place of vulnerability and truth. That very truth set her free and it was so beautiful to hear her voice singing so strongly of her relationship with her Father.

The second time was when a young women in our group shared about some abuse in her past and how she had been using it to hide and protect her heart from the group. What amazing courage and beauty it took for her to face the truth. But the truth set her free from the bonds of it, you could see it in her eyes. It was a new and exciting invitation for us to join her in her journey. 

These outpourings of truth became two beautiful acts of worship. It brought tears to many eyes, tears of joy and thankfulness for God’s hand in the molding/mending of two hearts.  How wonderful is our God.

Many in our community turned their hands up to the Father in thanks, but I am sure there were others were provoked as well. The sharing of truth has a way of unsettling the places we are hiding. A call to face our own justifications and sinful distancing. it can be unsettling at best. I believe this too is an act of worship.

It is such a dance we have together in community. One person’s courage may bring someone to their knees in brokenness and it may provoke someone else to run away again.  

The good news is that God is not deterred by our running away again and again. He knows we are afraid but he is willing to wait for us to stop and turn back to him.  

So we ask ourselves, "What are we hiding from? What are we using to justify our self-protection?"

These are always good questions to ask God? He always seems to answer these type of questions. The truth will set you free!  

Valentine's Day Thoughts

Every year come winter I struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder or maybe just some good ole' seasonal depression. The long dark days of winter coupled together with Christmas, New Year's Day, Valentine's Day and finally my birthday often create a spiral of loneliness that seems unending. 

Holidays stir a lot of emotions up in me, mostly feelings that swirl around my being alone. It is an easy thing to allow them to rule my heart, which can quickly lead to letting my emotions rule my head. This swirl in turn breeds a spiral of lies that are often hard to stop once they get started. The spiral of lies are mostly about why I am alone.

It feels important these days, that I begin to live out of what I know to be true rather than let my loneliness drive my choices.  The truth is, I am deeply loved by God and by my friends. 

Trying to live believing this way isn't something that comes easily for me. Life constantly rubs up against the questions, "Do I matter?" and, "Am I wanted?" and it causes all sorts of lies and doubts to surface. My response is usually a demand for others to validate my value, which pushes people away rather than into relationship with me.

So  living out of the belief that I am wanted and that I am loved is a very different path for me. Inviting others into the journey rather than demanding they prove my worth by rescuing me has been an amazing God thing. It is what I so long for in relationship.

So this year, although I feel lonely thinking about Valentine's Day, they are only feelings. I know without a doubt I am loved by my Father and I also know without a doubt that I am loved by a rather large group of wonderful friends.

Do I want more? Well yes, of course I would love to be celebrating Valentine's Day with the man  of my dreams! I am human after all. A human who is wanted, loved, and validated without question! Happy Valentine's Day!

Get Lucky versus Demons

Last week at the Grammy awards the song Get Lucky was awarded Record of the Year. It is one of those songs that quite honestly gets stuck in your head, one that you keep singing over and over, probably because the same line “up all night to get lucky” is repeated over and over.

…. She's up all night till the sun, I'm up all night to get some.
She's up all night for good fun, I'm up all night to get lucky.

We're up all night till the sun, We're up all night to get some.
We're up all night for good fun, We're up all night to get lucky.

We're up all night to get lucky. We're up all night to get lucky.
We're up all night to get lucky. We're up all night to get lucky.

The present has no ribbon, Your gift keeps on giving.
What is this I'm feeling? If you want to leave, I'm with it.

We're up all night to get... We're up all night to get...

We're up all night to get lucky. We're up all night to get lucky.

(Get Lucky by Daft Punk)

Reading part of the lyrics above gives you a quick idea of what the song is about: sex, no strings attached, good fun sex. The song is about getting lucky without any strings. It also doesn’t speak of any damage caused by giving away the “gift” that keeps giving.

However, there is another song that I keep hearing on the radio called Demons. I don’t believe it had any Grammy nominations, probably because it speaks a little too clearly about human darkness.

…. I wanna hide the truth, I wanna shelter you
But with the beast inside, There's nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed, We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come! This is my kingdom come!

…. Don't wanna let you down, But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you, Don't want to hide the truth

No matter what we breed, We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come! This is my kingdom come!

…. They say it's what you make, I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul, I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright, I wanna save that light
I can't escape this now, Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat, Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide, It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close, It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide, It's where my demons hide

(Demons by Imagine Dragons)

There really is something about the lyrics to this song that pulls me in. I love the lines “No matter what we breed, we still are made of greed. This is my kingdom come! This is my kingdom come!”

The true state of the matter is we are all selfish, we deserve hell. The songwriter believes that the only thing that breaks through the darkness is love for someone else, moving outside of ourselves. While this is true on some level, the songwriter is missing the most important part: God.

Love God and love others, without God we are doomed to hell. I am selfish and full of greed; without Him, this is my kingdom come! With Him, I have hope!

The Birthing Process

Over the years I have had plenty of reoccurring dreams, most of them have been about elevators and escalators where I always get off on the same floor. Reflective of the level of stuck-ness I always felt in those years. It has been quite a while since I have had one of those dreams.

However, last night I had a dream that I was in labor. This new dream intrigued me… why would I have a dream about being in labor? At 48 I have little desire to be pregnant so I am pretty sure it wasn't about having children.  

When I got a chance today I Googled it. Dreamdoze.com said that, “Giving birth means that you are birthing something new in your life. This could be a new idea, relationship or project. It represents the start of something new in your life; possibly a major event. The labor represents the effort you are putting forth to deliver what has been growing inside of you. The emergency in the dream means you have some anxiety about the new events that are about to take place in your life.”

Oh, wow! That so fits!   

I was always told to identify the predominant feeling when interpreting a dream. The intensity of the pain of birthing mixed with the excitement of the coming birth were both dominant in my dream last night. Enough so that I was still unsettled when I woke up to go to work and it was still on my mind as I drove to Indy for work this morning. 

So if the dream is not about having a child, then what is being birthed? An interesting question. A question that I am not sure I have all the answers for yet.

Back in July 2013 I read this posting by Sanctus Real on facebook, it said, “If you don’t see hope, ask God for a new vision.”  I remember praying and asking God for a new vision.  A few weeks later I was asked to move from my apartment. I really didn't think the answer was going to be having to move from the comfortable safety of where I was living.

But it was in the very process of having to move that something was impregnated in me. A new way of being in relationship with God and others, a new way of trusting, a peace, a solidness…. of course that is still mixed with fear, loneliness and old patterns of relating but I don’t feel as thrown by those things any more.

2014 brings with it an anticipation of both the strain/pain in the birthing process as well as a jittering level of excitement. Where will God show himself to me this year? What are his plans for me?  Oh Father, give me a vision.