Still Waiting!

Apparently the last few weeks of not giving myself time to think has given me a head full of thoughts now. I feel weary carrying them around in my head so I am going to try to write some random thoughts here.

A close friend called yesterday to check up on me; I found it hard to let her into my struggles. Recently I have been feeling disconnected from people and from God, but I am starting to see that in some ways I have been refusing to connect. This friend of mine asked me if I was going to go to the Women's Bible Study at church this morning and I told her that I hadn't decided whether I was going or not. I knew that I needed to go before she told me I needed to be there.

It was hard being at Bible Study this morning; I felt like I wanted to keep my struggles at an arm's length from those around me. I am beginning to realize that I feel unvalued/unneeded by my long period of unemployment and that I am longing for others to pursue me as a way to prove my value. God seems to have a different plan because he continues to thwart that for the most part. I think he wants me to know that my value is in him.

I tried hard this morning to keep from being unaffected by what was being shared during Bible study. However I did take some notes in the margin of Ezekial 8-9 though. There were two questions worth asking myself if I am willing to take the time to ponder them: 1) What am I giving my devotion and energy toward? 2) What am I saying about my God?

There was one thing that struck me from this morning and it was rolling around in my head as I left the church. The name Israel means "to wrestle with God" and to not wrestle with God is to shut off my heart. My heart definitely has felt shut off recently; not just to God but to those around me too. I have been way more grieved over the current circumstances of my life than over my sin. I don't yet feel brokenness but it feels like a small crack is starting to form.

After lunch, I was in Dollar General when the friend who had called me yesterday called me again. I thought for sure she was checking up on me to see if I had gone to Bible study this morning. It wasn't really why she called but she did ask if I had gone. I told her how I feel so disconnected. She asked me why and we got into a conversation about some of my current choices. My eyes filled with tears as she spoke truth into some of the lies; the crack was widening a bit more.

My heart feels quiet this evening. I can't stand the sound of the television being on. I have felt so dead and a bit of oxygen was offered to me today. I am not yet there, but I feel like I am waiting for God a bit more openly than yesterday.