By faith I say, "Hallelujah!"

It appears from my limited experience that sometimes there is darkness following a moment of light. This week has felt dark to me following my time of sharing in church last Sunday. It was a moment of vulnerability and joy that was followed by fear and sadness. Doubts have been flooding my mind. I don't want to give gifts to anyone or see people. I feel raw.

Why? Is it just the normal ebb and flow of life? Is it the spirit world? Why does God allow this to happen? Why can't I feel joy for any extended period of time. I would settle for 24 hours at least. This fallen world we live in sucks! I guess that brings it right back to why he came to this earth. To save us from darkness, fear, and anger; to shine light into our world.

"For unto us a child is born, his name is Jesus... Hallelujah!" I say this merely out of faith and not out of what I am currently feeling. I would be more pleased it it felt more exuberant but all the same I hope he is pleased anyway because deep down I believe it to be true.

The Mystery of Holy Night

"I don't have to tell you how greatly I long for freedom, and for all of you. But for decades you gave us such incomparably beautiful Christmases that my grateful memory of them is strong enough to outshine even this rather dark one. It is times like these that show what it really means to have a past and an inner legacy independent of the change of times and conditions. The awareness of being borne up by a spiritual tradition that lasts for decades gives one a strong sense of security in the face of all transitory distress . . .

"From the Christian point of view, spending Christmas in a prison doesn't pose any special problem. Most likely, a more meaningful and authentic Christmas is celebrated here by many people than in places where only the name of the feast remains. Misery, pain, poverty, loneliness, helplessness, and guilt have an altogether different meaning in God's eyes than in the judgment of men. God turns toward the very places from which humans tend to turn away. Christ was born in a stable because there was no room for him at the inn: A prisoner can understand all this better than other people. It's truly good news for him; in believing it, he knows he has been made a part of the Christian community that breaks down all spatial and temporal frontiers, and the walls of prison lose their meaning."

The Mystery of Holy Night, Dietrich Bonhoeffer

This definitely gives Christmas the potential to look differently for me. Christmas should be about celebrating the coming of Christ and not about the celebration of earthy comforts. To be lowly at heart is perhaps to be first in line to find him... hmm!

(Excerpts from this Dietrich Bonhoeffer book can be read online at http://www.thetulsan.com/holynight.html)

Lighting the Joy Candle

Yesterday during church I lit the third candle for Advent, the candle of JOY. It is funny how God chooses to work; he must have a sense of humor. The middle of last week was not a very joyful time for me. I was feeling tension in several of my relationships. But a couple of years ago I decided that if I was asked to participate in a service that I should do it despite what I was feeling.

The truth is, I haven't felt much "joy" this year. I am now finishing up my 10th month of unemployment. I am starting to feel the panic of money, despite the extensions for my unemployment compensation. One major car repair or illness would likely deplete my dwindling savings.

After I agreed to light the candle, I began to search online for something that might spark some thoughts on joy. After reading several things, I began to wonder if the problem was really with how I was defining joy. I wondered, "What if joy has nothing to do with my happiness?"

I came across the Dietrich Bonhoeffer quote from my previous post and it really struck something deeper inside me. There is a deeper joy that cannot be touched by anyone but God. It is not dependent on my relationships being free of tension. It is not dependent on my finding a job or having money. It is not dependent of my circumstances changing.

True JOY comes from HIM! I long to have it come and seize my mind, soul and body. I long for it to spread and burst through the closed door of my heart.

God Dwelling Joy

With God dwells joy, and down from God it comes, seizing mind, soul, and body; and where this joy has grasped a human being it spreads, it carries away, it bursts through closed doors.

The Mystery of Holy Night, Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Advent Thoughts

I found myself really intrigued by the Thomas Merton quote that Kathleen Norris uses in her discussion of the Annunciation. The thought that there is a part of me, an untouched virgin part of me that belongs entirely to God, is so mysteriously drawing to me. No matter how hard I work at trying to touch that part of my soul only He can come to know me there.

So what must I do to stay in the mystery of this relationship, “to be virgin” as Kathleen Norris puts it? Give up trying to control the circumstances of my life. Give up trying to see the bigger picture that I am obviously not privy to seeing. Like Mary I need to simply say, “Here am I” and then patiently wait for God’s glory to grow inside of me. As Loretta Ross-Gotta says, “Be a womb. Be a dwelling for God. Be surprised.”

Much like Mary I have Christ inside of me. Obviously, I am not giving birth to human life, but I can birth life into others around me. Christ came to earth to redeem me and because I have been redeemed by his birth I can now help to birth redemption in the lives of others. In this way Christ’s birth continues to be a miraculous birth.

So this Advent despite feeling impatient and empty, I find that I really do long to stop and wait patiently in his presence, to stand in the mystery of God. I long to let go of trying to figure out why life isn’t what I long for it to be, especially in these hard days. I long to be a womb so that his presence can grow inside of me; I long to be virgin.

(See "To Be Virgin" entry below)

To Be Virgin

“… Thomas Merton, in Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander, describes the true identity that he seeks in contemplative prayer as a “point verge” at the center of his being, “a point untouched by illusion, a point of pure truth...which belongs entirely to God, which is inaccessible to the fantasies of our own mind or the brutalities of our own will. This little point…of absolute poverty,” he wrote, “is the Glory of God in us.”

It is only when we stop idolizing the illusion of our control over the events of life and recognize our poverty that we become virgin in the sense that Merton means…”

“Mary’s “How can this be?” is a simpler response than Zechariah’s, and also more profound. She does not lose her voice but finds it. Like any of the prophets, she asserts herself before God saying, “Here am I.” There is no arrogance, however, but only holy fear and wonder. Mary proceeds—as we must do in life—making her commitment without knowing much about what it will entail or where it will lead. I treasure the story because it forces me to ask: When the mystery of God breaks through into my consciousness, do I run from it? Do I ask of it what it cannot answer? Shrugging, do I retreat into facile clichés, the popular but false wisdom of what “we all know?” Or am I virgin enough to respond from my deepest, truest self, and say something new, a ‘yes” that will change me forever?”

Amazing Grace, Kathleen Norris

"Much bickering has centered on the word virgin…but I think the time has come for us to stop limiting this word to a descriptor of Mary’s body and to start considering the power of this word in describing us as the body of Christ. What must we be untouched by, unknown by, not pierced by, in order for Christ’s conception and birth to continue to be miraculous?

…we need to consider not only what this word means to us as a people of faith. After all Mary’s hope was not just for herself, it was for a nation of faith. Perhaps for us to be virgin we must be untouched by the disillusionment of the world—we must remain impervious to the tired cynicism that denies the possibility of something new or different or transformative. To be virgin is to heed our deep and painful longing to be the bearers of new life. To be virgin is for us to hold space for the life that is to come.

Advent is a season of longing, not a vapid, reasoned longing, but the passionate, heedless longing of the lover for the beloved, the desperate longing for the exile for her homeland. It is an embodied longing that is at once intimately sensual and deeply spiritual. The slow walk from Advent into Christmas is a movement from longing for transformation, to giving ourselves up to transformation."

Strength of Women Found in the Strength of Mary, Elizabeth J. Welch

“Jesus observed, “Without me you can do nothing” (John 15:5). Yet we act, for the most part, as though without us God can do nothing. We think we have to make Christmas come, which is to say we think we have to bring about the redemption of the universe on our own. When all God needs is a willing womb, a place of safety, nourishment, and love. “Oh, but nothing will get done,” you say. “If I don’t do it Christmas won’t happen.” And we crowd Christ out with our fretful fears.”

“… what if, instead of doing something, we were to be something special? Be a womb. Be a dwelling for God. Be surprised.”

Letters from the Holy Ground, Loretta Ross-Gotta

Uncle Dick's Funeral

I went to my Uncle Dick's viewing and funeral yesterday. It was strange seeing cousins that I haven't seen in a long time. Most of them were really my mom's first cousins. PJ, Rodney, Randy, Brian, Barry and Heather are all children of my Great Aunts and Uncles. Several of them I haven't seen since high school, in fact Randy started to call me Dede which I went by as a young child. It felt sad that I didn't get more time to talk with them. I would have loved more time to get to know Heather and Barry's children. Heather's son Quin took a liking to me right away. PJ's daughter Megan was also there with her 3 children; I didn't get much chance to talk with them either.

I didn't really know my uncle well. I didn't know that he had fought in the Korean War. I knew that he was a builder of homes and someone who loved the outdoors. I didn't know that he hated watching television and preferred to read. I didn't know just how much he loved his adopted children as his own.

The funeral itself was simple, the music was sung accapella. A bit was shared about my uncle's life by a pastor who hadn't known him at all. It made me feel grateful that someday at my own funeral there will be people that really knew me well and loved me despite my faults.

Church Sign Error

On my way home last night I drove through a small town where I spotted a church sign that just did not seem right to me. It read: COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, MAKE THEM ONE BY ONE. It made me laugh because that is often how we choose to live. If we work hard then we will be blessed; we are always trying to make life work on our own apart from God.

I drove over to the small town tonight to try and get a photo of the church sign. When I got there I felt disappointed and yet happy to see that they had fixed the sign. It now correctly reads: COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, NAME THEM ONE BY ONE. It is good to remember that He is the source of our blessings.

(When I got home tonight I went online to see if I might be able to get clipart of a church sign so I could sort of re-create the sign. I actually found a website http://www.says-it.com/churchsigns/ that lets you create your own church signs. So I was able to re-create the basic sign and share it with you.)

Missed Communion

I needed to leave church early yesterday in order to see my brother's family before they headed back home after the Thanksgiving weekend. I hated to leave before communion was offered but I stayed longer than I should have anyway.

I haven't felt such a deep need to take part of the eucharist in a long time. In part I know it was because my relational sin had been exposed over the past two weeks. Along with that came the realization that this particular sin will probably always plague me which left me feeling desperately in need of God's grace.

I know that I can experience God's grace toward me outside of communion. In fact, I already had experienced grace recently through my two friends to whom my sin was exposed. I didn't deserve their forgiveness but they graciously offered it to me.

Over the years I have come to understand that my sin is ultimately against God. I think I really needed to plead for His forgiveness yesterday and receive communion in the midst of my brokenness. I know this is not limited to a Sunday activity and hope that my desperate need for His grace continues to bother me until I come to that place again.

Waiting for God

"People who wait have received a promise that allows them to wait. They have received something that is at work in them, like a seed that has started to grow. This is very important. We can only really wait if what we are waiting for has already begun for us. So waiting is never a movement from nothing to something. It is always a movement from something to something more...

The secret to waiting is the faith that the seed has been planted, that something has begun. Active waiting means to be present fully to the moment, in the conviction that something is happening where you are and that you want to be present to it."

The Weavings Reader, Henry Nouwen

This is an interesting thought. It is the idea that there is something solid within us that knows we are grounded in Him, yet there is also an acknowledgement that we long for something different or something more as well.

In Memory of Uncle Dick Hendges

My Uncle Dick was a Contractor/Builder in Jackson, Michigan for many years. He and his family lived in the same neighborhood as my grandparents who I lived with for several years as a youngster. One of my favorite memories growing up was when my uncles and my grandfather would get on the subject of politics at family gatherings. Nothing could clear a room faster.

I also remember that he had a dune buggy that he would bring around once in a while. All the neighborhood kids wanted a ride in it. We would hint and beg at times so that he would take us.

He was married to my grandmother's younger sister Carole Stull. They had two children Barry and Heather (Garrison) who were a couple years younger than me and my brother Troy.

Black Friday

I have decided to read a couple of Advent books this holiday season in an attempt to jolt my heart into enjoying Christmas this year. It feels hard to celebrate and enjoy the season without having a job. There are things to be thankful for: a good living situation, good friends and a good family.

I long to see the season as one of anticipation rather than one of dread. It obviously will not be a happy one if based on merely circumstances. I wonder... what does this season hold for me? I long to see the season as more about Him and less about the comfort of me? I am definitely not there yet!

It is interesting to be thinking about Advent while sitting here in the Bagel Shop which is crowded with Black Friday shoppers. the air here is buzzing with so much excitement and anticipation, just in the shopping experience. Why do we not have the same level of emotion when it comes to celebrating the birth of Christ? Maybe it really should be called "Black" Friday.

This is it

I went with my mom today to see Michael Jackson's This is it. I enjoyed it mostly because he is such a talented musician and artist. I also enjoyed it because there were a lot of songs I remember listening too while I was growing up.

It was sad in some ways to see his physical abilities lacking, obviously from being older but also because of his addiction to pain medication. He didn't move as smoothly or quite have the energy/crispnesss that he always had in his dancing. It was fun to see him joke with the rest of the cast and to see his creativity come to life externally.

Advent

Holy Anticipation,
that breathtaking space in-between
What has been, what is, what is to come.
Where winter dreams reveal secret longings
and winged angels announce the coming of Love.
You draw us to the edge of Advent possibility
like the song of angels drawing shepherds--
eyes wide and breath held--
waiting, watching.
Come, settle into our living for awhile
and do not let us settle for too little.
Amen

(Pamela C. Hawkins)

Pearls Before Swine

Too funny!

Kelly Osborne's Transformation

I haven't really been that into Dancing with the Stars in the past. I usually tire quickly of the egos and all the annoying judges. But this season I found myself mesmerized by the transformation of Kelly Osborne. In the beginning she appeared a woman that wasn't comfortable being a woman. Dancing with a partner brought out something that was dormant. She blossomed and became more and more feminine as the season progressed. As she liked herself more through the weeks everyone liked her more too.

It was fun to watch her partner have tears in his eyes, knowing the struggles that she went through to not only become a decent dancer but to become more feminine, to become more Kelly. Her parents, Ozzy and Sharon Osborne, were also very proud. They often sat in the audience with just total enjoyment on their faces. Every girl should have this type of experience!

To and From Chicago

The journey to Chicago was very different then my journey home. The South Bend to Chicago run was marked by two women who wanted someone to talk with during their trip. While the Chicago to South Bend journey was marked by strange and unusual people.

I first met a 70 year old black woman on the South Shore who was traveling from her home in South Bend to visit her cousin in Chicago. When she found that I was reading this Sunday's sermon notes she began to tell me all about the large Baptist church she attends and how it has gotten to big for her.

I asked her about her family and she told me about all four of her children. She told me that her husband had passed a couple of years ago. She lives with her daughter in South Bend but she still seemed lonely. She asked me if I would walk with her in Millennium Station and helped her up the steps to Michigan Avenue. Once we were there I think she wanted me to stay with her but I needed to get about 15 blocks away to Union Station to catch the Metra.

While waiting to board the Metra I struck up a conversation with a middle aged lady who was headed home from a nursing meeting she had attended downtown. I would have preferred to have read on the last leg of the trip but again I think this lady needed conversation. In the end I was glad to have talked with her.

Then there was the trip home. The Metra ride from Libertyville to Union Station felt quick and uneventful. After arriving at the station, I came up the steps to Canal Street. I found the bus stop for Bus 60 that would take me closer to Millennium Station. While I was waiting for the bus to arrive I noticed there was a heavy set young woman in her late 20's talking with the people who were already waiting for the bus. She was telling them that there has been a rash of robberies and that the robbers were targeting backpacks and luggage. She said she knew this because she was one of "them" and had just been in jail for robbery.

When the bus came I got on; I was limited in seat choices due to the fact that I had a suitcase with me. She promptly sat down next to me and began to tell me the same things that she had been saying at the bus stop. The whole time we were talking her eyes kept flitting down to my suitcase. She also noticed that I had my wallet in my front pocket of my jeans.

We got off at the same stop and I went over to the edge of Old Navy. She tried to get me to walk with her but I told her to go on ahead. It is a bit scary being scoped out like that but at least she wasn't a very good crook. Plus, I don't think she could have ran away very fast. Maybe that is why she had been arrested.

I eventually got to the Millennium Station and boarded the train for South Bend. I thought I might get a nice pleasant ride home only to have a stinky person sit down next to me in the very crowded train. Thankfully he got off about an hour into the 2 1/2 hour trip home and I was able to stretch out a bit. The only other interesting thing on my trip home was the drunk lady singing hymns in the McDonald's at Goshen when I stopped to use the restroom.

Scrambling

I woke up at 5:15 this morning thinking about the breakfast I will be having with a friend this morning. There are tons of thoughts running though my head as I think about what it is I need to ramble about with him.

The past two days I feel this huge scramble in my soul to justify some choices that I have been making. Perhaps that is why I feel anxious as I think about breakfast this morning. I think that putting words to that scramble will look sort of ugly. It doesn't feel very pretty even as some of those justifications pop into my head.

I think that is why I need to talk. I can't sort the lies out of what I am thinking on my own. I want to blame others for my choices but still I wonder about their sin in it as well. I can't see past my own hurt to how my choices have affected anyone else.

Chicago

I am headed to Libertyville, Illinois this weekend to see my best friend from college. I am looking forward to our time together and I am hoping that we get a chance to really catch up. Her family will be gone for part of the time that we are together allowing us a chance to be uninterupted.

I have been struggling recently after being unemployed now since the end of February 2009. I know that she also has been struggling with some things. I long for deeper conversation with her about the more important things of life and living, but I feel caught up in my own afflictions. I long to get past me and to really hear her heart.

I will be taking the Southshore train from South Bend, Indiana to downtown Chicago, then a bus to Union Station. From there I will be taking the Metra to Libertyville. Quite the adventure! I feel a bit nervous getting around town on my own but my friend told me exactly what bus and train to catch so I should be okay.

Still Waiting!

Apparently the last few weeks of not giving myself time to think has given me a head full of thoughts now. I feel weary carrying them around in my head so I am going to try to write some random thoughts here.

A close friend called yesterday to check up on me; I found it hard to let her into my struggles. Recently I have been feeling disconnected from people and from God, but I am starting to see that in some ways I have been refusing to connect. This friend of mine asked me if I was going to go to the Women's Bible Study at church this morning and I told her that I hadn't decided whether I was going or not. I knew that I needed to go before she told me I needed to be there.

It was hard being at Bible Study this morning; I felt like I wanted to keep my struggles at an arm's length from those around me. I am beginning to realize that I feel unvalued/unneeded by my long period of unemployment and that I am longing for others to pursue me as a way to prove my value. God seems to have a different plan because he continues to thwart that for the most part. I think he wants me to know that my value is in him.

I tried hard this morning to keep from being unaffected by what was being shared during Bible study. However I did take some notes in the margin of Ezekial 8-9 though. There were two questions worth asking myself if I am willing to take the time to ponder them: 1) What am I giving my devotion and energy toward? 2) What am I saying about my God?

There was one thing that struck me from this morning and it was rolling around in my head as I left the church. The name Israel means "to wrestle with God" and to not wrestle with God is to shut off my heart. My heart definitely has felt shut off recently; not just to God but to those around me too. I have been way more grieved over the current circumstances of my life than over my sin. I don't yet feel brokenness but it feels like a small crack is starting to form.

After lunch, I was in Dollar General when the friend who had called me yesterday called me again. I thought for sure she was checking up on me to see if I had gone to Bible study this morning. It wasn't really why she called but she did ask if I had gone. I told her how I feel so disconnected. She asked me why and we got into a conversation about some of my current choices. My eyes filled with tears as she spoke truth into some of the lies; the crack was widening a bit more.

My heart feels quiet this evening. I can't stand the sound of the television being on. I have felt so dead and a bit of oxygen was offered to me today. I am not yet there, but I feel like I am waiting for God a bit more openly than yesterday.

Officer Shaw's Funeral Procession

I was on my way home from WalMart this afternoon when I was stopped by the large procession of police cars saying goodbye to Officer Shaw. It was quite moving to watch the 200 or so Police cars, Police motorcycles, Ambulances and Fire Trucks coming down Center Street flashing theirs lights in honor of this fallen officer.

I offer my respects to his family and feel grateful for this man who gave his life to protect me and others.

"WAIT"

It seems as if I am being forced to wait these days. Waiting to feel deep connections, waiting for relationships, waiting to change, and most recently waiting for a job to materialize. For a long time I have thought that the waiting was something bad but recently I have been asking if it might not be a gift from God.

Two weeks ago in church Kent spoke out of Obadiah. The question that stuck in my head was, "Are we willing to be faithful and wait?" As I was looking back over the notes I had written my Bible fell open to Isaiah 30. What a great chapter! There was the word "wait" again in verse 18. "Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!"

It struck me this morning that perhaps my waiting is a gift from God. I wonder how this waiting might impact the Advent season of waiting. Waiting doesn't really feel much like a gift to me. What is becoming more obvious to me though is that I almost need to choose to receive it as a gift rather than see it as some curse. I think that is the first step in what it looks like for me to be faithful and wait?

The other thing that struck me this morning was that there appears to be two different types of waiting: 1) Quiet waiting - "Be still and know I am God." 2) Active waiting - "Be strong and take heart." But both are steeped in our hope for God.